Another year, another challenge.

  There's just seven more days until the biggest challenge of my life (so far), my final year of high school, as a held back senior. I'm trying to keep a positive attitude, but it's kind of difficult when you know there are so many negative things that can happen. I'm worried about making friends, but I need to get out of my shell and just do what I have to. I'm worried about what people will think of me when they find out I've been held back or that I'm in freshmen and sophomore classes. I shouldn't care, but I do, but then again I need to get over it. As Eleanor Roosevelt said,"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." It is the complete truth and I need to remember that the only way people will hurt me is if I let them. I'm also worried about my past emotions with a certain someone, who I know I will see next year. I need to get over it and see what it's doing to me, I mean it's not a bad thing to like someone or to admire them, but then to go overboard and do things that you know won't benefit anyone in the end is what's the problem. I need to keep my actions in check and my emotions to myself, I have to try and mature a little, so that I can be done with it, or at least be done with the nonsense.
  I really just want this upcoming year to be a good one and so far I've been having pretty good years since I've made my turn around. This time I have to do everything on my own, I can't rely on other people to get me the results I want. I got a little taste of it when my senior friends were gone and I had to spend a week practically by myself. Since it was new, obviously it didn't feel like the greatest experience, but I made it through and went to every class, every day for that final week. It was a little awkward I will admit, but I managed to make some very small moves to come out of my shell. I tried talking with my teachers, the ones that I had to be alone with for the lack of students who weren't seniors, but it went well. I tend to use my work to avoid having to talk to other people, I need to stop that and try to interact with my peers, because that is what will make my year all the better. I sat 2 columns away from the other students in my class, because that is where I normally sat, and it was awkward. Then I ended up moving another column closer, it wasn't inside the group, but it was at least right next to it. I made small efforts, which is better than nothing, but if I plan on making friends, and keeping them, I have to try and make bigger leaps. I can't worry about rejection and if they think I'm crazy or a loser, I just have to try, and if they don't like me well, then they don't.
  I'm kind of excited to see what this year has in store for me. Although I'm worried about all the negatives, I feel this is a challenge that I can face and overcome. My adrenaline gets going when I think about actually getting through this. I think, no, I KNOW, I can get through this and I KNOW that I can make the best of any situation that I'm in, no matter what. I just need to remember that and let this be a lesson to myself, use it to my advantage. I'm not saying that it will be easy, I'm just saying I need to work at it and it will happen.
  I will graduate this year and that is the greatest thing that I can imagine, I can even see it. I'm so close, just one more year, a few more obstacles, and I'm there. Once I'm done I will have the biggest weight off my shoulders. I am very sure that I will cry the day of my graduation because everything I'm going through or will go through will be for this. It will feel like the LONGEST year of my life but it will be completely worth it, so I'm ready to do this. I'm trying to tell myself that things will be okay and at least make myself a positive person because if I stay negative, then nothing will go my way and everything will feel like the end of the world. Hopefully I'm right and I will make it to the end. I know I will, but having it actually happen is another thing. :)

  • Current Mood
    contemplative contemplative

All Good Things Must Come to an End.

    Well there's about two and a half months of school left and the countdown seems to go faster and faster by the minute. I can't say that the thought of summer is comforting to me because in reality it is the complete opposite. The end of school means many things for me:
1) I won't have school with my Senior friends anymore (except for possibly college).
2) Because they'll be going off to college who know when I will get to see them.
3) I will be an official Senior.....who will be 19......
4) I'm just that much closer to going over the edge because I have to deal with another round of Freshmen and interact with Sophomores.
    Really I'm not worried so much about age because I've dealt with Freshmen this year and made some pretty good friends. The only thing I worry about is how I have to meet them, which is in a classroom where I'm sure they all want to stick together in their cliques (hey I'd do the same thing).
5) I have to really start figuring out what I want to do for my SSE (Senior Seminar Exhibition) this is my one big worry because if I mess this up then I'm screwed and another year of high school will be coming my way!
    Really I won't mind having to come back to school another year. I like school and although I'll be coming back as an over aged Senior that is the least of my worries. All I want is to find cool people, get good grades and enjoy my hopefully final year of high school. I know it will be stressful, I know I'm gonna freak out but as long as I don't have to worry about people starring at me and making fun because I'm held back then all is well.
    I know these things are all stuff that I myself can just push away and not even give a second thought to but it's hard when all you want is to fit in and everyone else just wants to point and laugh. I shouldn't care and you always hear the adults saying, "You're not here to make friends. You're here to work." which is true but you're always gonna need someone to talk to and there will always be those times where the teachers say, "Okay get into pairs." or "get into groups." Then what? How can you say that having a friend in that moment won't matter?
    All I know is I'm gonna try. I've screwed up so many things in my life by throwing away the chances that could give me an advantage in life but no more! It will be true. Next year I will be there to work but also I will be there to learn how to get passed all that awkwardness, judgment, low self-esteem crap that I always seem to bring back with me every year. I mean look at me now. My first Junior year was a rough start and I had really no one but I came out of it with friends and good experiences. It wasn't a complete disaster like every other year before it. So why can't the same be said about next year? Well it can. I just need to suck it up and whatever happens happens. I can't let it bring me down. And if I do happen to get beat down then I just need to learn to get back up fighting the whole way. I will not let my issues get in the way of my graduation. I may not graduate on time but I will graduate none the less.
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    blah blah

Relieved


Relieved
Definition: To free from anxiety, fear, pain, etc
.

This is an update to the "Sadness" post. I am very much better now and on better terms with that guy. We had a normal conversation that wasn't weird and it was nice to not feel scared and wonder if I'm doing something wrong. Now I can finally be around him and not freak out....well as much at least, I might freak out a little inside. :) And when I said I might have wished I hadn't met him that is COMPLETELY untrue. Under no circumstances would I actually want to have never met him. It is because of him that my education has taken a turn for the better and it is he who brought me back on track and gave me the tools to succeed. I am VERY greatful to have met him and I would never want to change that. I was obviously speaking from my sadness and at that particular moment I felt like he was the problem when in fact it is me who is the problem. He has done NOTHING wrong, any problem that I have is ALL me and what I let myself get to. So...as I was saying I am relieved, free from my anxiety, fear and pain and I definitely see a great future. :)
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    happy happy

Sadness

Sadness
Definition: Affected by unhappiness or grief; sorrowful or mournful.

It really sucks when you're down and all you can think about is the reason you're down. Maybe you can forget about it for a while or maybe get distracted for a little bit but it always seems to come back. I hate having feelings for guys...especially the ones you can't have. It's like....for some reason one guy in particular I seem to give my whole heart to and I don't know why. I know we could never be together and we're not even that close so why is it that when I get hurt it hurts on a deeper level? I let my emotions get the best of me when it comes to him and when I look at my situation all I can think of is how much of an idiot I am for letting the little, stupid, unimportant things get to me. It's like REALLY??? I know it hurts and I know I shouldn't be hurting but for some reason I let myself get to that point. I try to separate myself from the problem and it seemed to be working so I thought I would be a little bit better off......I guess not. As soon as I get close again what happens??? I get hurt. OF COURSE I GET HURT!!! I don't know. I just need to get over it and use this as a lesson....I'm sure there will be many more lessons to come of course because I can't change my feelings overnight but at least I'll be able to see my problems instead of trying to pretend nothing is wrong. Hopefully I'm right because if this is how it's gonna be I wish I would have never met him.


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    sad sad

As Time Goes By...


As time goes by things get better and things get worse. School is better now and I've learned to deal with my future in high school but sometimes I get a little stressed when I feel like I'm not getting something. Even though it's tough sometimes I just try to look at the bright side of it whether it be, "Hey it's almost friday." or "Tomorrow is a Day 2." I just try to remember that not everything is going to be the way I want to be. I just try to enjoy what I have, while I have it. I'm thinking next semester will be easier....hopefully. I think this because I'll be a semester in and I should know how to handle everything, also I know at least one class is supposed to be easier next semester. :) So in conclusion to this very boring journal entry I hope that everything will go relatively well and that there is a happier, less stressful future. Until next time....

Tired and Over It...

I'm so tired of school right now and I'm over all the bull. I try to look on the bright side, try to make it fun but sometimes no matter how hard I try it sucks. So this year I'm a Junior not a Senior like I'm supposed to be but a repeating Junior. So the Seniors take their own special pictures and spend hundreds of dollars going to a professional. I decided to have a family member do it and we've spent a few weeks taking pictures....now here's the thing, I got sent mail talking about taking pictures and so I thought I was supposed to get them done. Later I come to find that no I can't submit pictures and I can't do it till next year because I'm technically a Junior. I was SO pissed when I found this out because it's like don't send me mail saying to do all this crap when I can't even participate. We're still gonna print pictures so that I can give them to my friends but I'm still mad. So this is why I'm just calling myself a Junior...I was told that I was TECHNICALLY a Junior...but what the heck is TECHNICALLY a Junior supposed to mean? Just call me a freakin Junior and get it over with, I am taking Senior classes but early graduating Juniors do the same thing so it doesn't make a difference. I hate calling myself a Senior now cause I'm clearly not, it depresses me cause I just don't understand what's the difference between saying I'm a Junior and saying I'm a Senior. I passed my Junior year so I shouldn't be considered a Junior and as long as I pass everything now it wouldn't make sense to say I'm a Senior again next year....it's sooooo complicated! I just wish I didn't completely screw myself academically so I wouldn't have to deal with this and I could just graduate with my class as it was meant to be. But no..and now I always think about how after this year EVERYTHING will be different, my friends will be in college, I'll still be in High School and I'll be pretty much all by myself. So much for using this year to prepare me for the next. I just need to suck it up and get over it but it's hard to do that when you look at the future and it doesn't look so bright. Oh well let's just hope things get better and I can learn to deal.
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    annoyed annoyed

More School...

So school is still going very well and I'm really enjoying my classes. The teachers are pretty cool too and I'm liking where I see this year going. Some classes can prove to be a little challenging but I'm up for it and I'm willing to do what it takes to overcome each challenge as it comes to me. Hopefully by the end of the year I can look back and say that I don't have any regrets, that I wouldn't do anything differently. As long as I can say that then I feel I can make it through the next year.

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    tired tired

Follow ups

Alright so school has been pretty good and although sometimes there are things about it that I may not like, I also realize that that's the way it's always gonna be. I may like school or I may hate it, and so far I've had my ups and downs throughout the days. My friend helps me get through at least the first half of every day and after that it's up to me to decide how the day will end. Sometimes I make my day suck and other times I can somehow make it so I can at least deal, as long as I make it till that bell rings at 3:20 I think I'll make it to at least the end of this year. Hopefully things aren't to rough up ahead in my life cause I would prefer to have this year go as smoothly as possible. I know for sure some things will help me look past everything else but I also need to be able to deal on my own to prepare myself for what comes next. Hopefully by the end of this year I will gain the tools to survive my FINAL year of high school, the most crucial year of my life, the year that will determine how my future will unfold. Until next time....
 

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    tired tired

Bliss

Bliss
-Definition: S
upreme happiness; utter joy or contentment.

This has been the MOST AMAZING day ever!!!! I definitely was freaking out over nothing. Alright so this is how school went. I come in freaking out cause I'm just imagining all that can go wrong. 1st period comes and it was fun, educational and I really like my teacher, 2nd period was also fun and very interesting. I get to 3rd period and this is when you figure out what lunch you will have, I end up having 3rd while my best friend has 1st which sucks. But I knew people in my own class so it ended up going well. We go to lunch and it goes well, there are only a few minutes left so I decide to leave some of my thing in my locker as I leave the lunch room who do I see??? Of course Mr. "Infatuation/Love"..I was SUPER excited!!!! I'm thinking throughout the day I won't care, I'm not even going to worry about it and what happens??? I see him!!!! So 4th period comes around and I'm not enjoying class all that much but I'll live. We go outside to walk the track, I've now gone around 4-5 times and who do I suddenly see??? Mr. "Infatuation/Love" AGAIN!!!! Twice in one day!!!! I honestly could have lived, would have been fine if I hadn't seen him but to have the luck of seeing him twice without even trying was AWESOME!!! Today was an AWESOME day and I am definitely blissful, I can't even really describe what I am but blissful seems to fit the characteristics at least on a lower scale...lol. I completely worried about nothing and this goes to show stop worrying and just go with the flow, if it's good it's good and if not then don't worry about it just deal with it if it comes to that. I'm looking forward to tomorrow and seeing what that day will have in store for me. Until next time! BYE!!!!

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    thankful thankful

Music

Music
-Definition: A
n art of sound in time that expresses ideas and emotions in significant forms through the elements of rhythm, melody, harmony, and color.

Music is like talking except it moves you and lets you really feel the emotion, while talking can be taken as a person chooses music is very to the point and lets you know what's up. It's a form of therapy, a way to get over sadness, depression and it can help you out of your slump. It's also a form of joy, you can dance, sing, or just close your eyes and listen to the words and sway to the melody. Music is an amazing thing and sometimes I wonder how anyone would live without it. I know it's definitely helped me through down times and it has helped me keep in a happy mood and see the good in life. I LOVE music and I really feel that music is my life, without it I would be nothing, I would have no emotions and would cease to exist. What disappoints me are the songs that are made today which have really NO purpose, I know a lot of people say rap music has no purpose and try to get rid of it but I don't feel the category of rap is the problem. There are definitely rap songs out there that do have meaning and just because people choose to present their music in a different way doesn't mean that we should dismiss it and ignore it. I just hope that great music is continually made and we remember what the point of music is....expression, feelings, life.

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    tired tired